My phone buzzed sometime in between loads of laundry, cleaning my kitchen and sitting down at the computer to write my weekly post. I haven’t done the research I promised to do into fitness and weight loss. Things have just been so busy I haven’t had the time to put into it. Yeah, I’m a bad blogger. I’m not sorry though.
When I looked at who texted me, I felt more annoyed than excited – and I immediately felt guilty for it. It was then that it dawned on me. I’ve been single for exactly four years now – almost to the day.
Not long ago, I updated my profile on Meetup.com in the hopes of making some new friends and joining some travel groups. I even found some events that I was interested in – but things have been so busy with the family, I just haven’t the energy to put into meeting new people.
Shortly after updating my profile, I received a couple of messages from random guys. And I thought, what the hell. I’ll respond. After all, I was there to meet new friends, right?
What I love about the website is you can log on whenever you want to and respond to messages whenever you feel like it. With Facebook, I always feel pressured to respond right away. It got to the point I actually turned the chat box off after awhile. Even my family group chat can be tedious to have to respond to every day. But I love seeing photos of my nieces and nephews. And the grandbaby. I love my grand nephew to pieces, even though the little asshole slapped me in the face last night. He made up for it later by blowing kisses.
Babies can be assholes too. Good thing the little jerk is cute.
When I looked at my phone and saw who was texting, I actually sighed and ignored it. Making small talk is not my favorite thing to do. It feels like a chore at best of times. I’m a bad texter. So texting small talk is just painful. Really painful. I’m all thumbs.
And I turned off my auto-correct so now I can’t type anything.
It’s been so long since I actually went on a date that I wouldn’t even know how to act, or what to say. Getting to know someone new is painful for me too. Just how much do you let that person in? Ghosting is a real thing. Why go through all that work just for the potential to be ghosted later down the road?
That’s why I joined meetup.com – for fun and adventurous group outings. I figured the best way to meet new people was just to get out there and try new things and get involved.
The other night, I created a new event for a concert that I’m attending in the fall. I thought a group outing with new friends would be fun. No harm, right?
And this dude that I had met one time in 2012 messages me later that night and says, “Oh, I guess you don’t want to get together, do you?”
I met him one time. ONE time. But for some reason he thought we were going to hook up for coffee or something.
Sometimes I feel like chatting online, is like this conversation on The Family Guy.
How much clearer do I need to be? I already told him twice in previous conversations that I wasn’t interested in a relationship. I clearly told him I was only interested in meeting new people for group outings. That was it. That is all I want at this point in my life.
And then my phone buzzed again today. As it has several times for the last few days. And rather than being excited at the chance of getting to know someone new – it felt like my personal time was being invaded.
I want to make it clear that this had nothing to do with the person messaging me. This is all on me. Really. It’s all me. And so, I had to be honest with myself – and this new guy that I had been enjoying a friendly banter with.
But I guess there comes a time when even friendly banter gets stale and one person will want more. I’m just not there yet. Dating is hard. There’s pressure on all fronts. And it’s just not a stress I need in my life right now. So, I guess this post can serve as an open letter to all the men that have messaged me recently.
Life is busy right now. I’ve made all kinds of promises to myself and my family. With an upcoming trip to Toronto and plans for more travel – I just don’t have the time or need for a relationship right now.
I’ve been single for so long now, that I’ve found interesting things to fill my time with. I have two blogs to run. I have a full time job. I have a part time gig on the weekends. I have my family commitments. And my dad to see on the weekends. I have a good friend who needs me right now as her partner is going through chemo. I also want to take cooking lessons. Get back into photography. And travel.
I thought I was ready and at a point in my life where I would be able to welcome someone new in. But the pain from my last relationship is still fresh. Even four years later. Maybe I’ll never be able to date again. And that’s something I have to live with. And maybe one day when I least expect it, I’ll run into a handsome millionaire on a singles cruise who wants to spoil me and buy me fancy things like a downtown Toronto condo – or yacht.
I don’t know where I’d use the yacht – I mean, I live downtown Edmonton. But I want a yacht damnit. I deserve a yacht. Just once in my life – I’d love to have an exciting weekend like Leo seems to have. I mean, is it too much to ask for? Is it too much to ask for that I want to do this on my own and experience all that life has to offer – as a happy and single person?
And so, that is where we are today. It’s been a quiet and reflective Monday after a whirlwind of a weekend. It was a busy weekend and I was surrounded by people – people that I love with all my heart. And I’m not ready to give that up just yet.
Nor should I ever have to.
And with that, I’m going back to my frozen yogurt and the sweet sounds of Al Stewart and The Year of the Cat. Because I’m old. And this is what old people listen to.
And I’m not going to make any more promises on future blog posts. But I am super stoked for Toronto and I will be sharing some travel photos with you soon.